Tuesday’s Talk: Insomnia Be Gone!
02/21/12 Kellie:  Contributor

Anyone who ever has experienced temporary insomnia knows it’s not pretty. And the label “insomniac” sounds just as awful as the condition itself. Besides the under-eye bags that for sure would get that extra-weight fee, there are many, many signs of insomnia.

Pouring half-and-half in your kid’s Cheerios, looking for your car keys when they’re in your hand all along, looking down your body—while already at the gym—to make sure you put your pants on. And the topper? Heading out of the gym with the disinfectant spray bottle and snapping out of it only upon hearing someone say, “You want some rags to go with that?”

After a month-long battle that I clearly was losing, I realized that something just had to change. Refusing to take synthetic sleeping pills, I kicked in my competitive nature. Game on, Insomnia! You’re going down!

For me, initially falling asleep wasn’t the problem. It was the waking up for a couple hours in the wee hours that did me in. All the usual tricks—give up wine/bourbon/coffee/etc., move to the sofa to change the scenery, read War and Peace—were not working. Insomnia was winning. The bags were getting heftier. I was destined to show up pantless for my 5:15am spin class, etc., etc.

Fortunately, I have serendipity on my side. Happenstance entered my loopy, foggy, surreal midnight world in the form of a brown bear Pillow Pet my son left on the sofa. Having moved downstairs one night so as not to wake my husband, I went with “It’s a pillow!” and burrowed in. Eureka! “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see? I see Sleep staring at me!” Who would have thunk it? That was the most comfortable damn inanimate pillow I’ve ever encountered. Not too thick. Not too firm. I think I found a cure—if only for one good night of sleep.

Perfectly content with the frog Pillow Pet my children have since given me, I nevertheless ponder the possibilities of more adult-themed Pillow Pets to help the many other insomniacs out there. And so the fun begins.

My husband’s choice is obvious. Let’s just say that it would come in size 36D (clearly a fantasy). His other choice? An Ashley Judd Pillow Pet; yes, Ashley’s been his fanciful “hall pass” for many years. For me, a Brad Pitt Pillow Pet? No, thank you. While the profitability of a Brad pillow would be enormous, he just doesn’t do it for me. Not only would visions of him from that God-awful “Benjamin Button” movie ruin my sleep; I would worry about sleep-drooling all over that pretty face.

Hmmmm. So where does that leave me? Two words: Vladimir Mayakovsky. Who needs Brad when you’ve got Vlad? Allow me to present this Russian poet in all of his “red” hotness: http://www.academic.marist.edu/nork/vladimir.htm. Did somebody say “hall pass”? Dang! That pass expired in 1930. I’ll “settle,” then, for an Ashley Clark Pillow Pet. Curious minds can inquire at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVgcxBUMviw DANG!!! The yin and yang of the Ashleys!

But I digress. The comfy Pillow Pet was just one piece of the puzzle. I admittedly completed the puzzle with the help of Larry, Jan, and the awesome crew at Nature’s Goodness in Middletown. They armed me with “Calm” magnesium fizz and some natural melatonin, and the ZZZZZ’s soon followed. I’ve unpacked those bags under my eyes. I don’t have to affirm the presence of pants anymore. And I’ve quit five-fingering Fantastik!

Insomnia, I win! Your goose is cooked!

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