Sisterly Tips On Being A Stepmom
02/07/12 Alexandra:  Editor

My baby sister got married this past Saturday, a black tie affair at the Plaza that would have had Eloise swinging from the chandelier…fantastic sibling time, no kids, and a load of champagne…heaven. My sister was the last of us to marry and the wedding was as gorgeous as she is. As siblings (including my sibling-in-laws) we are very close. Between us three eldest we have years of marriages, children, and many youthful NYC memories that bond us happily together; a bond our baby sister was just officially initiated into with a great husband and his two adorable little girls. But as I looked over at my beautiful sister I suddenly realized she just stepped into a role of wife and stepmother all within thirty poetic minutes of saying “I Do”. That’s a whole lot of life waiting for her when she returns from the honeymoon.

As her sister, I am so proud that she wanted to welcome such a large commitment into her future. As a single mom, I desperately wanted to advise her on all the trials and triumphs she would experience as another mother figure to these wonderful children. And as our special relationship always goes, here came another opportunity for the two of us to learn a new parenting frontier together. One that will most likely be in my own little son’s life one day, and one that my sister is experiencing presently. So, this is for my lovely baby sister written from a mom’s perspective:

20 Sisterly Tips On Becoming A Great Step Mom
1. Give lots of hugs. Hug them unexpectedly, hug them when they enter the house or exit the house, hug them in the evening and every morning. Hug them when they do not like you. This simple gesture of love will assure them you support them.
2. Remember our bond as sisters. No one knew us like we knew each other. Cherish their little bond as siblings, and remember that sibling rivalry feeling. Use this as your compass when handling their fights or fits.
3. Support their love for their Mom. Create an environment that allows them to speak freely of her in your presence. Children should always feel you like those they love. It will keep a line of communication open. Big Tip.
4. Be the adult. You’re not the sitter, nor are you their mom, but you are one of their parent figures, not a pal. This is a very grey area. They will look to you for that boundary.
5. I think the word “step mom” sounds lame if you’re a good parent figure. Just saying…we need another word that honors your new role of loving these children but never depreciates their real mother. Hmm…
6. Embrace the fact that you can guide them more objectively than their mom and dad. Always supportive of their mom & dad’s parenting, you’re the third person parenting, you have the opportunity to be objective for the children during future frustrating times in their lives.
7. Create your own special bond by being the great mom you will be. Use all that makes you special to forge a wonderful bond with your new daughters. From your stellar dance moves, to your tenacity, to your empathy.
8. Love them unconditionally. They are yours for life. Remind yourself of this when it’s emotionally trying, and love them unconditionally. FYI- every parent reminds himself or herself of this tip at some point during parenting.
9. With each day you will learn more. Take your time. This is new frontier for all of you, and I am sure you will stumble upon some rocky roads. So will they. Remember us moms have had trial and error since they were babies. Take your time.
10. Forgive and move on. Forgive yourself. Forgive your husband. Forgive the children. Forgive the ex. Lessons of love are only learned through forgiveness and taking the next step towards tomorrow.
11. Children need presence and patience. Be present in the moment when parenting. Sometimes we are so distracted with life, that our patience falls short. The more present you are as a mom, the more patience you gain.
12. Try not to take things to personally. Kids say some raw things when they are mad, remember how we treated mom in our tweens. I can only imagine what will come your way as the step mom. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
13. In keeping with tip #12- Remember you have no warts on your nose and you aren’t poisoning anyone with an apple. Don’t beat yourself up during the tough days. Being “mom” or “step mom” simply sucks at times.
14. Cherish their giggles. They go by too quickly. If you can fill your house full of their giggles and chatter, then you are doing brilliantly.
15. Love grows deep roots. You will be astounded by how your love for these children just keeps growing. It grows and grows, and then grounds these deep roots that allow it to keep blossoming. Get ready; it’s the most rewarding part about being (any type of) parent.
16. Give these children all of you. 100%. Be everything you would want my son to have in a step mom. Be everything we would’ve loved us to have in a step mom when we were little.
17. Sometimes a mom day is best accompanied by a glass of wine. Do not fool yourself, you’ve seen how much I love my child but sometimes a deep breath and wine is what makes the day “heal”. Drink up.
18. The more love a child feels the happier they are. No matter what anyone says, three parental hearts loving a child is fantastic. Simple as that. Bravo.
19. Choose your parent-to-parent battles wisely. Every mom and dad has to do it with each other, and you will have to be even more sensitive to this tip. Different strokes for different folks…mumble this to yourself when need be.
20. June Cleaver and lame Stepford Wives can suck it. Just know you are creating a new label to a loving family. Divorce happens because a family isn’t happy, not because life got boring. And in the end, everyone just wants a happy ending. Create this for your family and be my hero.

Remember, I believe in you always. Xo-Your Big Sister

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